How to decode the spin in reporting season
Record underlying earnings
We’ve put a boat load of crap below the line as “significant items” so our bonuses aren’t affected. Trust us, this is the number to watch. No, really.
Record statutory earnings
Yes, we’ve said for a decade that underlying profit is the true measure of our business. But those numbers looked awful, and we flogged some property, so just look at this statutory number, will you?
It was a resilient result in the circumstances
You knew it was going to be bad, and it is.
Earnings will be skewed to the second half
We are praying that we can save our bonuses in the next four-and-a-half months.
Our momentum has continued
It’s another poor result, but at least it’s better than last year.
We’re becoming a more customer-focused business
Our fees were so high I wouldn’t let my own mother become a client.
Weather impacted our results
We’re not really sure what happened to sales, but it rained a fair bit. We’ll go with that.
We are transforming the customer experience
We got rid of two call centres and now we have an app and a chatbot that looks like that paperclip guy from Microsoft Office 2000.
We are reviewing the business unit
If we could have sold it, we would have. But we can’t, so we need a bit more time to work out how we get rid of it.
Our business improvement program is paying dividends
You should see how many empty desks there are.
The regulatory environment is changing
We weren’t exactly breaking the law, but gosh we were close.
Compliance costs rose during the period
I didn’t even know there was such as thing as a risk officer?
We need to regain the trust of the community
It would be nice if the other members would talk to me at the yacht club.
It’s been a year of transition
God, it was bad.
It will be another year of transition
It’s not getting better quickly.
It’s a non-cash impairment
Yes, we did pay cash for this asset four years ago, but now we’ve discovered that it’s no good, we’re going to pretend like our investors aren’t losing anything.
We’re investing for growth
Don’t expect us to make much money for the next three years.
Competition was intense
Our margins are heading south much faster than we expected. Are cartels still illegal? Does anyone have Rod Sims’ number?
We’re investing in shelf prices
We were discounting like we were going out of business. And we might be if this keeps up.
We’re simplifying the group
Three months ago I found two divisions I didn’t even know we owned. We had an office in freaking Bogotá.
We’ve decommissioned legacy systems
Half the computers ran on floppy disks, the others didn’t run at all.
We’re conducting a global search for the new CFO
You know as well as we do we’re going to hire the bloke down the corridor.
Profits will be in line with last year
No growth here. Here, there’s no growth.
Earnings will be at the lower end of guidance
Thank goodness we kept the range for profit expectations nice and wide.
Conditions remain uncertain
There’s a fair chance I am looking for a new job by the end of next financial year.
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